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The student news site of Dickinson College.

The Dickinsonian

The student news site of Dickinson College.

The Dickinsonian

Understanding the 2013 NBA Playoffs through Game Of Thrones

This is a very special time of year for me. The Chicago Blackhawks are about to commence a (hopefully dominant) playoff run, “Game of Thrones” is in full swing and the NBA playoffs have started. Instead of my usual column, reviewing an old album that everyone should be listening to, I thought this would a good opportunity to have a little fun and break down the NBA playoffs as I see it. Before I start, I want to let you know that I know everyone and their mother has written something like this on the Internet this year. With apologies to Jamie Lannister, I thought I’d try my hand at it. Fair warning, this piece is current with the show, so if you aren’t, don’t read it. As there are very few people who are obsessed with both the NBA and “Game of Thrones,” I suspect most of you won’t read it anyway. This week features the Eastern Conference, next week will be the Western Conference.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

 
1) Miami Heat
Tywin Lannister
No doubt about this one, the most dominant team in basketball (27 wins in a row anyone?) matched up with the most dominant man in Westoros. Everyone in the world fears Tywin Lannister just as everyone in the NBA fears the Heat. Do you honestly think that Derrick Rose said “eff it” to playing this season because of his knee? No, he realized that since they squared off in the Eastern Conference finals two years ago the Heat have gotten remarkably better while the Bulls have gotten a little worse. Just how good have the Heat gotten? *cough* 27-wins-in-a-row *cough*. Lebron, Wade and Bosh have barely played the last three weeks and the team still entered the playoffs on an eight game winning streak. Also the Don Corleone of the Heat, Pat Riley, bears a striking resemblance to Tywin Lannister: physical appearance, maniacal scheming, no soul, TONS of wealth, no soul…

 
2) New York Knicks
Petyr Baelish (“Littlefinger”)
This past summer, no one knew what to make of the Knicks. Their off-season had more questionable decisions than a Dickinson kegger: namely getting rid of popular players like Jeremy Lin and replacing them with a bunch of fossils like J-Kidd and Rasheed Wallace who should be playing in a greybeard rec-league by now. For most of the season the Knicks flew under the radar, just like their GOT counterpart, Littlefinger. Only recently has everyone seemed to realize that the dude who has set the new standard for creepy uncles on TV is actually pretty dangerous.

 
3) Indiana Pacers
Sandor and Gregor Clegane (“The Hound” and the “The Mountain”)
This pick may reflect my Chicago bias, but I don’t care, I’m STILL upset about game 4 of the 1998 Eastern Conference finals. Reggie pushed off; he knows it, Michael knows it, Larry Bird knows it and I know it. Thus, the Pacers get the biggest jerks on this list. The Cleganes are two thugs that use barbaric war tactics––I would actually use the same words to describe the 2013 Pacers defense–– to rise to prominence in the kingdom. Both the Cleganes and the Pacers have recently fallen on hard times. Danny Granger is out for the year, while Sandor has been captured and is on trial for murder. Yet, justice is a fickle thing in the NBA as it is in Westoros. Despite the injury to Granger, the Pacers are still going to make some noise in the playoffs this year, and Gregor Clegane is still on the loose killing innocent people for Tywin Lannister.

 
4) Brooklyn Nets
The Tyrells
The Nets and the Tyrells are both newcomers to the battle for supremacy of Westoros/NBA. The Nets have a few interesting players (Brook Lopez, Deron Williams, Joe Johnson), and the Tyrells have a few interesting players (Margery, Loras, the Queen of Thorns). No one’s really sure how seriously we should take either of them. I mean how powerful could a house that has a flower for a symbol and has the mantra “growing stronger” possibly be? There’s enough money and talent in Brooklyn and Highgarden to make life hell for any opposing team/family. But the question remains: are they all talk and no game? Or are they just biding their time waiting for an opportunity to claim the crown? We’ll see.

 
5) Chicago Bulls
Jamie Lannister
This one absolutely kills me to write. Losing Derrick Rose for the year is like Jamie losing his hand. Jamie actually had a quote in this week’s episode which sums up the situation fairly succinctly: “I was that hand.” The Bulls were Derrick Rose. Hopefully some good will come of this. Maybe the Bulls can get someone else who can score so that Derrick doesn’t have to do it all on his own, and maybe Jamie will realize what a silver-spoon-sucking, sister f––loving, jerk he’s been and get his act together.

 
6) Atlanta Hawks
Brienne of Tarth
If Mel Kiper Jr. lived in Westoros he would apply his patented “athletic-freak” description to Brienne of Tarth. Try watching a Brienne scene on mute with King Widow’s Peak talking about some defensive lineman from the U. Trust me, it would somewhat make sense. Why the comparison to the Hawks? Aside from Lebron James and Russell Westbrook, nobody gets called an athletic freak more than Josh Smith AKA J-Smoov. Atlanta has two superstars (Smith and Horford) who remind me a lot of Brienne: loyal, giant and incompetent. Brienne has been given two jobs in the show thus far: protect Renly and deliver Jamie to King’s Landing. She’s failed at both. If you want to know what it feels like for an Atlanta Hawks fan to watch J-Smoov shoot 3’s look at Brienne’s face when she’s holding Renly’s corpse in her arms. Lotta’ pain behind those eyes hawks fans…moving on.

 
7) Boston Celtics
Sir Bariston
Like KG and Pierce this old dude still kicks ass. He’s now serving in Daenerys’ army and will undoubtedly kick the crap out of plenty of fools, but it’s important to remember he got fired by Joffery for being too old. Assuming the Celtics can upset the Knicks (unlikely but not improbable), they’ll have to beat the Pacers (extremely unlikely given how Pacers will physically abuse them), then the Heat (emotional energy/momentum may carry the Celtics to a win or two in their own building, but you can put this one in the hell-freezing-over category of unlikely). They would finally have to beat whoever comes out the loaded Western Conference after playing upwards of 15 extremely taxing games (I think the odds are in Chicago Cubs territory at this point). I’m looking forward to watching one or two vintage Celtics games this spring, but that’s it.

 
8) Milwaukee Bucks
Theon Greyjoy
The Bucks thought they were on top of the world for a little while. They’ve got a couple very good, young players, and made it into the playoffs despite everyone penciling them in for a lottery pick at the beginning of the season. But just like Theon reentering the torture chamber this week, they’ve only just realized the world of pain that they’ve entered in Miami. They are as good as dead.

 
Look out for Part 2 the Western Conference next week!

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