After much consideration, the admissions office at Dickinson has officially decided to begin the admittance of squirrels into the Dickinson community effective immediately. 

According to admissions, Dickinson has been receiving applications from the squirrels for many years now, and as a result of the recent push in equal opportunity and anti-discrimination efforts, has finally come to the decision that admitting the creatures that are such a vital and intrinsic part of the Dickinson community is the next step to a fully inclusive campus. 

Students have had very positive reactions to this recent development in the administration’s stance toward inclusivity.

Mary Schoene ’19, along with other pro-squirrel activists on campus, has organized the Association Committed to Openness and Receiving New Students, abbreviated A.C.O.R.N.S.  This organization has been putting pressure on the admissions department to finally make the decision to accept squirrels into the student population.

“We’re really happy about this recent decision,” Schoene commented.  “It can only mean good things for Dickinson as a role model for inclusivity and anti-discrimination efforts.”

This brings many changes to campus life.  Over the next few weeks, construction companies will be all over campus to start carving out and drilling doors and smaller hallways into not only the academic buildings, but also the dorms.

“It’s not fair that the squirrels have to be outside during the winter months and we get to stay inside our dorms,” stated Ian Ridgway ’19, a particularly enthusiastic activist for squirrel rights. “It only makes sense that we accommodate them into our dorms.  I, for one, would love to have a squirrel for a roommate.”

In addition to the rapid construction efforts taking place, the cafeteria also has to make adjustments to the new squirrel population. The first few months after accepting the squirrels, in order to make the squirrels feel most comfortable, the cafeteria, the SNAR, the Quarry, Grab and Go and the Underground will be exclusively serving nuts for all meals of the day, according to caf worker Mitchell Michaels.

There has also been an emergence of new clubs and sports on campus to include the squirrels in extracurricular activities.  These include tree-climbing club, wire-chewing club and, the most popular club so far, “Deez Nuts,” in which interested students and squirrel-students will learn about the many different types of nuts, how to obtain them, bury them and then find them again after the conclusion of winter.

One problem that has arisen as a result of squirrel sporting events is that, even though the squirrels are all at a Division 1 competition level, no other colleges have any squirrel sport teams.  Dickinson athletic department hopes that other colleges and universities will follow Dickinson’s example and choose to admit squirrels as an important part of their student bodies, however this might be difficult because literally no other place in the world has as many squirrels as Dickinson.