Benjamin Rush Statue Actually a Street Performer
March 31, 2016
Filed under Special Edition
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Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue.
At 2:00 p.m. last Wednesday, the man formerly assumed to be the Benjamin Rush statue ended his long run as the well-known campus bust. Andrew Webb, a former Dickinson student, hopped off of the stone pedestal on which he has stood since 2004. According to witnesses, Webb, still in full costume and face paint, exclaimed “Oh forget it!” and sat down in an Adirondack chair. Dickinson Public Safety soon received several calls from shocked students in the surrounding area who reported that the statue had “come to life.”
“I just needed some extra cash after I graduated, and I thought this would be a fun way to spend my time,” explained the Dickinson alum. “I always thought you guys knew!”
Webb continued, “These kids are brutal. I’ve been TPed, egged, spray-painted, you name it. But I never broke character.” When asked why he decided to end his act, the former theater major explained, “I’ve been pretty down recently, mostly because I’ve never made a cent in the whole 12 years that I’ve been working in the academic quad. In the end, I guess I should be pretty proud about how believable my performance was.”
Student reactions throughout campus have been mixed. One student remarked “You know what, this explains something that happened a couple weeks ago. I was drawing a dick on him with silly string, and I was, like, 90 percent sure I saw him blink.” While some claim to have been aware of the trick, most expressed surprise. “I just don’t understand how we didn’t know about this. What has he been eating? When does he pee?” questioned a senior, who continued, “I can’t decide whether to be impressed or disturbed. But I’ll give him this: he does look remarkably like Benjamin Rush.”
Because of the beloved nature of the statue, Webb has been hired as a full-time employee of the campus. He has already returned to his post, and will remain there indefinitely.