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Darty Prompts Existential Crisis

#freeSartwell, Desperate

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Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue.

 

Frank Jones ’16 has been a proud member of his fraternity, Kappa Delta Sigma, for his four years at Dickinson College. But a recent darty mixer with Zeta Alpha Phi sorority has made him rethink his entire life. He claims that it all happened when he reached a state of intoxication at around 2:48 p.m.

Jones claims, “Something about being that drunk in the afternoon made me realize that I have an incredibly screwed-up life and that I really need to reevaluate my priorities in life.”

Jones claims that while he enjoys parties at night with his fraternity brothers, something about the sunlight changed the way he thought about drinking, playing pong and hanging out.

“I’m an INBM major, not a philosophy major, but I realized in that moment that there might be more to life than just smashing cans of natty and waiting to work for my father’s hedge fund. Maybe there’s something deeper. Like Buddhism or something Asian like that, you know?” claimed Jones.

Jones was not the only one who experienced a serious life crisis at the darty, so did Zeta Alpha Phi member Megan Goldstein ‘18. Goldstein had gone to the party because of her relationship with one of the members of Kappa Delta Sigma.

Goldstein states, “I thought that a darty would be a good time. I mean I really like drinking on Friday nights, what would be different about drinking on a Saturday afternoon? Little did I know that alcohol and sunshine would make me realize how purposeless my life was.”

Goldstein claims that after the event she has started attending church again and is looking at life in a convent after college.

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Darty Prompts Existential Crisis