ISIS Sufficiently Chastened by Student Post
March 31, 2016
Filed under Special Edition
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Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue.
After claiming responsibility for coordinated bomb attacks that killed more than 30 in Brussels earlier this week, ISIS combatants have had a change of heart in their terrorism strategy after reading admonishments from a Dickinson student.
Political science major Brooks Briggs ’17 posted an impassioned call for peace on his personal Facebook page the same evening of the attacks. Briggs excoriated the extremist group for their “blatant disregard for the sanctity of human life,” calling their attacks “brutish, abhorrent and indicative of the cowardly nature of the Islamic religion.”
“I think I really stuck it to ‘em,” Briggs said in an interview on Wednesday.
ISIS spokesperson Abu Mohammad al-Adnani said that his group is indifferent to condemnation from world leaders, but Briggs’ post touched something off among them.
“When that pretty boy Canadian [Justin Trudeau] and schoolmarm German [Angela Merkel] talk about destroying us, we just laugh,” al-Adnani. “But to know you’ve incensed a young political scientist in central Pennsylvania? That hurts.”
al-Adnani said that the group was softening its insurgency tactics in response to Briggs’ post, and would discontinue their use of bombs in favor of semi-automatic rifles.
Briggs, whose most recent Facebook diatribe called on U.S. lawmakers to “protect and uphold the second amendment,” was pleased with the policy change.
Briggs claims, “People don’t think that politically charged Facebook posts change anything and are just a cheap ploys for attention. I think I have proved that wrong.”
He claims his other Facebook posts have created real, tangible change in America, such as one that he asserts, “started the investigation into Clinton’s handling of Benghazi.”