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Old West to be Renovated into Glass Palace of Administrative Transparency

Liza Minnelli, Washed Up Actor

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Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue. 

 

At a meeting on March 29, representatives from the President’s leadership team announced a plan to increase transparency by rebuilding Old West with panes of crystal clear, shatterproof glass.

“Here at Dickinson, we take student concerns into serious consideration,” said President Nancy Roseman. “So when students calling for more transparency in the administration, we realized that this opaque limestone is a thing of the past.”

Roseman and her team unveiled the design in front of the Student Senate at their Tuesday meeting. Roseman said that the renovation would put a definitive end to criticisms of administrative secrecy.

“Students have been saying for years that they want us to be more transparent,” Roseman said. “Now it is literally untrue for them to say that their administrators don’t operate transparently.”

In response to exasperated cries from the audience that she was “missing the goddamn point,” Roseman insisted that the renovation was a “big concession” on the part of the administrators.

“This increased transparency means that we’ll actually have to be in the office every day,” Roseman said. “No more Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at home with our dogs!”

One student who stormed out of the meeting in frustration was disgusted on a purely aesthetic level.

“It looks like a cheap ripoff of that place in Madrid, which I thought was just a cheap ripoff of that other place in London,” he said, referring to the Crystal Palace in Hyde park and the Palacio de Cristal in Buen Retiro Park, respectively.

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Old West to be Renovated into Glass Palace of Administrative Transparency