Spring Break Service Trips to Quads Cancelled

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Photo Courtesy of Perez Hilton

Oh my quad what’s going on over there…

 

Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue. 

 

Two spring break service trip groups were cancelled only hours prior to their departure to the quads of Dickinson College, where they intended to aid in various construction projects of the crumbling buildings around them.

The 15 civic-minded students involved in the trips had intended to make the trek from Morgan Field to a base in Kisner-Woodward, where they were to stay for three nights as they carried out their service projects during the day.

The trip was cancelled due to “dangerous environmental and social hazards,” says Donna Hughes, director of the Center for Service, Spirituality and Social Justice. “We just couldn’t send our students to such an unstable place,” she adds.

The Pennsylvania Department of Health recently released their 2015 reports for Cumberland County, in which they enclosed photographic evidence of the “caved-in buildings, smog polluted air, drastic mold proliferation and trash pileup.”

Among the most affected areas include Shatwater and Denny, the photographs of which depict animal carcasses littering the surrounding area, sewage spillover flooding the bathrooms and surrounding rooms and wasp infestation in the crumbling walls.

The decision to cancel the trip was made following the Department of State’s March 18 publication of travel warnings to several areas around the world. Assistant secretary for the Department of State Thomas M. Countryman publicly stated that “The Department of State strongly cautions travel in and around Syria, North Korea and the quads of Dickinson College.” Following questioning, Countryman explained the State Department’s decision to include the Quads in their warning. Said Countryman, “It’s just honestly f***ing disgusting.”

The population that inhabits the quads has reportedly erupted with violence and disease as a result of the pitiful quality of life. In lieu of actual firearms, groups of agitators use pumpkins and other squashes in close-combat skirmishes.

A makeshift hospital has been set up in Davison-Wilson, where inhabitants affected by the mold and chemicals in the air are set up for treatment. “We would take them to the Health and Wellness Center,” says Jane Doe ’19, who works as a nurse for the sick students, “But it’s literally always closed.” Afflictions range from fluoride poisoning from the drinking water to tumors cause by asbestos in the dorm rooms.

As Della New ’19 plays a tune on Drayer’s grand piano, she reacts to the cancellation. “I’m kind of disappointed.

This was my chance to really make some sort of difference in the world,” says New. “But I’ve been writing a song on Drayer’s baby grand, and I’m going to record it in the recording studio on the third floor.” Lee hopes to sell the song and donate 2 percent of the profits to the Quads Rehabilitation Committee. Frank Lee ’16, another student scheduled to participate in the service trips, had a different reaction to the cancellation. “Thank the lord,” says Lee, “I had no idea what I was getting into.” Lee recounts a harrowing experience in the Quads. After Sunday brunch a few weeks ago, he strolled too far down D Walk. “The first thing that hit me was the smell,” he says. “It was like old people and discarded stir-fry from the SNAR.” As Lee continued on his way, he was assailed by a man who repeatedly barked in his face. “It was horrible. I felt disgusting from just being there. I had to schedule a setting with Drayer’s personal massage therapist to de-stress.” Other disappointed students express their hope for a better future in an advising session in Adams’ dive bar. “I mean, it’s just not fair,” says Cash Monee ’19, “they complain so much and ruined my chances to help them. I was really hoping to get some pictures up on Instagram to create awareness and show how culturally aware I am.”