Student Allegedly Sits Alone in Caf “Because He Wants To”
March 31, 2016
Filed under Special Edition
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Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue.
In a shocking twist of events, reporters have procured information that local college junior, Andrew “Lone Ranger” Adams, notorious for regularly eating meals in the cafeteria “all by his lonesome,” has actually been practicing this strange ritual all this time “because he wants to.” When asked during an exclusive interview what mysterious motive has caused him to engage in such a bizarre activity, Adams reportedly said, “Um. I don’t really know. I guess just because I feel like it. It’s convenient.”
The news came as a disconcerting surprise to many of Adams’ student peers, who expressed universal unease upon exposure to the revolutionary idea that one can enjoy a solitary meal in a public social space. “Eating alone in the caf, is like, social suicide,” said middle school college student, Amanda Huffington; who continued, “I just don’t get, like, how he doesn’t feel, like, totally awkward about doing that. I mean, it totally skeeves me out. I wish he would do us all a favor and make some friends. He’s making us, like, super uncomfortable.”
Psychology major, Stacy Keaton, founder of the nonprofit “Friends 4 Andrew Initiative,” an organization that works to ensure that Adams’ preferred table in the caf is always populated by people willing to converse with the solitary student, said, “It’s clear to me that when Andrew says he wants to be left alone, what he’s really saying is that he wants to feel included. He’s reaching out for help. If you ask me, Andrew needs us now more than ever.”
Football quarterback Robert “Phat Bob” Johnson said, “I asked if he wanted to sit at the football table awhile back and he said no…even after I offered him a bite of my sloppy joe.” Johnson momentarily paused to hock a loud and impressive loogie onto his plate, and then continued, “I don’t know why. I guess he’s just a weird dude.”
When pressed specifically about whether he would surely prefer to eat his meals in the company of others, Adams said simply, “No, I wouldn’t,” a statement which prompted the reporter giving the interview to offer to sit and eat with him because he “clearly yearned for friendship.” Adams however, rejected the offer, silently looking at the reporter with a perturbed expression for a few seconds before deferring his undivided attention to the meatball hoagie on his plate.