Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue.

Since receiving word that Pennsylvania’s acclaimed Governor Tom Wolf will deliver this year’s commencement address, campus has been abuzz with star-struck excitement.  After only 10 minutes of this information’s public release, students broke social media records by flooding sites with millions of posts regarding the elusive celebrity, even spurring the creation of four viral twitter hashtags, #Hungry4Wolf, #TeenWolf, #JointhePack and #LiveLaughTomWolf #EatPreyWolf.

Here are a few of the tweets:

@xoxocutiepiexx: “O.M.G…Governor. Tom. WOLF. Is speaking at our graduation!!! I’ve never been so excited. #WereGonnaNeedaBiggerLawn #TeenWolf #TeamJacob #EdwardSucks #PlzFatherMyChildren #Follow4Follow #LiveLaughTomWolf #Like4Like”

@wolfcub69: “When your Governor Tom Wolf bumper sticker finally arrives in the mail…

#JointhePack”

@BaconEggnSteez: “Finally, a moment worth the 4 years I spent waiting in line at the SNAR. #HungryLikeaWolf #Hungry4Wolf #WolfofHighStreet”

While most messages maintained a positive tone, other students took the opportunity to disparage past commencement speakers and this year’s rejected contenders.  In a recent Dickinsonian Op-Ed, Junior Sally Jenkins wrote, “Governor Tom Wolf is so much better than Mark Buffalo,” and “could totally beat him in a rap battle.”  Another student singled out Wolf’s primary rival for the coveted commencement slot, Leonardo DiCaprio, in a scathing Facebook post which reads, “Better luck next time, Leonardo Di-CRAP-rio. Time for team Wolf to take the field. P.s. Wolf should have won the Oscar.”

Since last Monday, in what’s now widely referred to as Dickinson’s “great migration,” masses of students have been flocking to the academic quad where they proceed to set up temporary campsites in order to secure prime viewing spots for the Governor’s May 22nd speech.  Aside from a few minor scuffles between students living on the quad and Professors angered by lapses in class attendance, the occupation has been largely peaceful.  However, minor riots did break out on Wednesday when Wolf’s stage crew arrived on the scene to survey the venue.  Allegedly caused by the proliferation of a rumor that Wolf himself was inside the van in which the stage crew traveled, vitriolic students pushed and shoved each other in attempts to get closer to the vehicle.  When security prevented the mob members from entering the van, they erupted into chants of “free the Wolf” until their anger was quelled by the distribution of free “Governor Tom Wolf” action figures.

Since the riot, a variety of faculty and staff-led efforts have been made to remove students from the lawn, but to no avail.  “I tried to lure them away with the prospect of a good book,” said English Professor, Johnny English, “but they just laughed in my face and told me to ‘make America Wolf again.’”

When asked what makes seeing Governor Tom Wolf worth foregoing weeks of bathing, a balanced diet and a non-Tom-Wolf-related social life, camper Bob Mobley ‘18 said, “Obviously just, like, seeing the legend himself, in the flesh, man!  Tom Wolf has done, like so many amazing things…dozens of fire rap albums, mad DJ skills, and an absolutely dope designer sock line.”  When asked specifically about his accomplishments as Pennsylvania Governor, Mobley replied, “Oh, he’s actually a governor?  I just remembered him from that Batman movie.”