Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue. 

Now as the year came to an end, there was a great murmuring amongst the students against President Roseman, a leader who had just traveled to the land of the Dickinsonians. Many of her disciples had abandoned her and she was left in a place of great anguish. The teachers, scribes and elders of Dickinson College all plotted against, for it is stated in scripture, “You who do not gain favor with the learned, shall perish.”

For 40 days and 40 nights, Roseman called out in a loud voice to God, “why have you given me this position of such importance at Dickinson? Why God, do you allow them to taunt and mock me?”

When these 40 days had ended, a great cloud appeared before her carrying the figure of Benjamin Rush upon it. He spoke out in a loud voice, “Nancy, why have you forsaken your role as president? Are you not the chosen one, anointed by the Board of Trustees?”

Again Rush cried out in a loud voice, “Nancy, God lead the Israelites out of the desert with a clear strategic plan! What is your vision for Dickinson College?”

President Roseman begin wailing and gnashing her teeth at the sound of these words. “I have no strategic plan. I am but a handmaid of the college, let its will be done.”

Rush replied, “Very well, the will of the Lord is for President Durden to be resurrected from the tomb of the Center for the International Exchange of Scholars and be put in his rightful place at Dickinson. No longer shall he be resigned to speak at other colleges commencement ceremonies.”

At that, a great swarm of locusts carried President Roseman away and a triumphant Bill Durden rode down High Street on a donkey to his kingdom. For it is written in scripture, “The president of Dickinson shall always have a nice ass.”