Here we are, part two of this long, rambling, hopefully somewhat coherent, article comparing the NBA playoffs to “Game of Thrones.” If you actually read the last one and have anted up for this one, thank you.
WESTERN
CONFERENCE:
1) Oklahoma City Thunder
The King In The North
Just three days ago the Thunder were the runaway favorite to win the stacked Western Conference and have a rematch with the Heat for the championship. Then Russell Westbrook tore his meniscus and everything changed. Robb Stark from “Game of Thrones” is in the same boat. He was crowned the King in the North at the end of season one and, at the time, looked like the best contender to knock Joffrey’s sadistic ass off the Iron Throne. But now, half his army has deserted him; his best political chip (Jamie Lannister) is gone, his other chips (Tywin Lannister’s nephews) were murdered and he has no castle to go back to. Things look pretty dire for both the Starks and the Thunder; but remember: Robb Stark has never lost a battle, and Kevin Durant is a three-time NBA scoring champ. By sheer force of will, the Young Wolf and KD can still lead their army/team to the promised land. Damn if it isn’t an uphill battle though.
2) San Antonio Spurs
The White Walkers
Quick, who’s had the best NBA career in the post-Jordan era? You said “Kobe” right? Not a bad choice, but for me, the answer is Tim Duncan. Just how good are Duncan and the Spurs? They had the best record in the NBA up until the very end of the Miami Heat’s unprecedented 27-game win streak while playing in the toughest division of a stacked conference. Every season ESPN rules out San Antonio as contender on the grounds that they’re too old. But age is not an issue if you can bring people back from the dead like the White Walkers. The Spurs have been reanimating dead NBA careers and unnaturally prolonging the primes of others for years. After sweeping another type of walking dead––the hapless, headless zombie type to be exact––the Lakers, the NBA now recognizes the true danger in the west.
3) Denver Nuggets
The Brotherhood Without Banners
The Brotherhood is a great idea in principal. Take disillusioned soldiers from the warring armies and bring them together to fight for one cause. Denver built its team with NBA castoffs (Andre Igudala, Danillo Galinarri, Javelle McGee) and under-valued draft picks (Ty Lawson and Evan Fournier) using the same mentality: no super-stars, system based offense and great team chemistry. But like the Brotherhood, Denver has fallen on hard times. One of their best players is out for the rest of year and they’re on the brink of elimination. Maybe George Karl can resurrect the team the way Thorros brought Berric Dondarion back from the dead. But right now things look bleak.
4) Los Angeles Clippers
Tyrion Lannister
This comparison has almost nothing to do with basketball. Tyrion Lannister is bar none the most entertaining character on the show. The LA Clippers are probably the most entertaining team in basketball. They’re “Lob City” damn it and Tyrion just saved a city by setting a river on fire. Who knows how far “entertaining” gets you in NBA playoffs or in Westoros, but by god I’m excited to find out.
5) Memphis Grizzlies
The Wildlings
The Wildlings are a horde of different tribes from north of the Wall. These factions have about as much in common as a chubby, amiable, 7-foot-tall Spaniard and an angry power forward called “Z-Bo” after the bully from the movie Friday. Yet, the Wildings, recognizing the danger of the White Walkers, came together and formed an army with the intention of breaking through the Wall and escaping certain death. Chubs and Z-Bo also have common enemies, assuming the odd couple can stick together, the team with the league’s top-rated defense should be very dangerous this year.
6) Golden State Warriors
Daenerys Targaryen
I was really unsure who was going to be Daenerys, but after watching Steph Curry this past week all my doubts are gone. No one took Golden State seriously going into the playoffs; they were labeled “too young and inexperienced” to make a serious play for the crown. People said the same thing about the Khaleesi, but look at her now; she’s got an elite army, two great knights and three dragons to boot. Two weeks ago she destroyed an entire city the same way the Warriors have been destroying the Nuggets. At the time of this writing, the Warriors are up three games to one and need one more win to advance to the second round. With––what some are calling––the best-shooting backcourt of all time the Warriors are looking like real contenders right now. KHALEESIIIIIII!!!!
7) Los Angeles Lakers
The Night’s Watch
Both the Night’s Watch and the LA Lakers like to think that they are “a noble order, rich in both history and honor.” In reality, the Night’s Watch is a collection of criminals who have to spend the rest of their lives guarding a 700 ft. ice wall. The Lakers, in reality, are a motley cocktail of egos, fossils and D-leaguers with Shakespearean family struggles. Laker headquarters this summer is going to resemble the Night’s Watch at Craster’s house. There’s not enough food or money to go around, and everyone’s looking for someone to kill/blame. Someone is going to get stabbed in the back Commander Mormont style. Who’s it going to be? I’m sure Stan Van Gundy (Dwight Howard’s old coach) knows. If you have a minute, Youtube Stan being questioned by reporters after the news broke that Dwight demanded he be fired. The clip would be your standard awkward sports interview, but then the Dwightmare enters the picture––not realizing his demands had been leaked to media–– hugs his coach and asks, “What’s going on here guys?” Stan numbly says, “Nothing, the usual stuff” while his eyes scream “AND YOU BRUTUS?” Top candidates to catch a bunch of knives in the back this summer: A.) Mike D’Antoni, B.) Jack Nicholson, C.) Mike D’Antoni.
8) Houston Rockets
Stannis Baratheon
At the time of this writing, the Rockets are down three games to none and look like they’re about to take a harder defeat than Stannis at the Blackwater. But if you’re a Houston Rockets fan, or just want to see the Red Woman squeeze out more shadow babies, you may be in luck. I think Stannis and the Rockets may have to wait until next season but we haven’t seen the last of either.
9) David Stern
George RR Martin
Let’s face it, NBA Commissioner David Stern, runs the NBA the way Vince McMahn runs the WWE. That’s not to say I don’t like Stern, I think he’s the best Commissioner of any of the four major American leagues; but that’s like calling him the most influential Dickinson student senator, or the world’s tallest midget. Nonetheless, Stern has kept the league afloat through some real problems: the giant coke scandal that was the early 80’s, the Malice at the Palace and Kobe’s trial in Denver just to name a few. Now the league is approaching Jordan-era popularity and the future looks bright. George RR Martin is also enjoying some serious popularity. Each new season of GOT is more popular than the last and his most recent installment of the book series was the number one “New York Times” bestseller. Yet, Martin could screw this up. He still owes the world two more 1,000-page books that can bring satisfactory closure to the story (Just end the show better than “Lost,” that’s all ask). And if the show overtakes the books there could be major trouble. Taking into account that Martin writes at a snail’s pace, has spent the last two years sh*tfaced and seems more concerned with the woes of the New York Jets than his writing, I’m already bracing for the nuclear winter that is coming.