They warned me.  They warned me and I did not heed them.  I enjoyed the first one, I thought to myself.  It cannot possibly be as bad as they say.  I sat through That’s My Boy, this can’t be worse than that.  I was wrong.  So incredibly wrong.  Never, in all my life have I walked out of a movie.  I made it 45 minutes into Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 before I left.

I wanted to leave two minutes in, but I was restrained by roommate.  This is the WORST MOVIE I have ever had the displeasure of seeing.  It is offensive, not funny, did I mention offensive, poorly written, offensive, lazily acted, offensive, offensive film that has ever crossed my eyes.  And I’m not talking about the movies that try to be offensive like Movie 43 (which is somehow a better film than this travesty) but it’s actually trying to be safe funny.  It is so clichéd.  I saw every “joke” coming before they even finished the set up.

Let me give you what is but a taste of what Paul Blart finds funny.  His wife leaves him because he is fat and nobody could possibly love him, and then his kindly mother is immediately hit by a truck afterwards.  We’re about thirty seconds into the movie now.  Why is this funny?  Because he’s fat and runs around making high pitched sad noises when he finds out.  You know what else is funny?  Overly controlling fathers.  Isn’t it so funny that Kevin James forbids his daughter to go UCLA because “it’s too far” because he slammed his fist on the table knocking over his breadsticks.  And then expresses more concern over the breadsticks than his crying daughter because fat!  Isn’t that drunk guy annoying that woman, so funny!  What? She said no?  She should apologize because he is a funny drunk man.

It is so horrible.  It is SO horrible.  And the love interest.   My god the love interest.  The general manager of the hotel that, you know what it doesn’t matter.  The love interest falls in love with Paul because he constantly belittles her even though she’s the MANAGER OF THE FRICKIN HOTEL, and thinks he’s such hot **** she must want him.  And this convinces her to fall in love with Blart even though she’s dating someone who is clearly a better person.  But he was probably working with the bad guys the whole time so whatever.

This movie is just the WORST thing I’ve ever seen.  I hated it.  And the worst part is the audience LOVED it.  They ate that **** up.  Laughed uproariously the whole time.  Shame on you!  Shame!

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2  is the worst film I’ve ever seen.  Burn any copies you come across.

Verdict: Obliterate.