When you think of a relationship, what do you see? You probably envision two people who are deeply in love, maybe a man and a woman, maybe a same-sex relationship if you’re LGBTQ or open-minded. They might be old, young, black, white, married, single, or some variation on these or other themes. But I’d be willing to place money that the first thing that came to mind was the couple. Two people who are committed to each other and would balk at the first sign that one of the party has interest in someone else.
We’re taught from a very young age (among many other things) that “true love” is between two people. Children grow up hoping to find their soul-mates, looking for the one person who will “complete” them. More recently, there has been something of a backlash against that in the idea that you don’t need someone else to complete you. You can have a fulfilled self-identity on your own, and finding a partner is just the cherry on top. However, what about the idea that you can have a fulfilling relationship with more than one person? In discussions about marriage or healthy relationships, the idea of polyamory is barely mentioned and oft misunderstood.
What is polyamory? The answer may depend on who you ask, as the definition is quite broad and encompassing. At its most basic, the roots of the word are Greek and Latin: “poly” and “amore” for many loves. Many loves. As in being with more than one person, romantically, sexually, or both. I identify as polyamorous – I believe it is possible for me to feel love for and maintain relationships with more than one person. For some people this might be having a “primary” partner and “secondary” outside relationships. For some it may be a closed “triad” of three people who are with each other and no one else. It might mean a woman having a husband and a boyfriend, who either know each other or don’t. Being polyamorous does not mean that I want to or will fall in love with every person that I meet, nor does it mean that I’ll have sex with everyone who crosses my path. It does mean that I’m open to the possibility of forming connections with people. It means that if a partner looks me in the eye and says, “You’re not enough for me,” I will shrug and say, “That’s okay.”
There are many people who would be devastated if their partner said, “You’re not enough for me.” You might be one of them. Why is that? When did we develop an idea of love where in every single relationship, the ideal is two people who fulfill each other’s every need? Perhaps it might help to think of it like friendship. You don’t expect to have just one best friend your entire life who fulfills everything you ever need in a friend. A person generally has several friends, who perhaps each appeal to a different aspect of that person’s personality or interests. The way I see it, that same principle applies to loving relationships. When I’ve had more than one partner at a time, I learn things about myself that I wouldn’t have known being with just with one person.
Advocating for polyamory does not mean that I think monogamy is a terrible thing. There are definitely people who feel that monogamous, exclusive relationships are what they want and what suits them. That’s fine. The problem lies in treating monogamy as the only viable choice, and in treating polyamory as immoral, wrong, or incredibly unnatural. Not all people are wired the same way and not all people are wired for long-term monogamy. Those of us with polyamorous leanings grow up in a society that expects happy coupledom for all, and going against that grain is tough. Trying to force ourselves into monogamous, closed relationships can feel like a stifling trap, no matter how much we may love the person we’re with.
This doesn’t mean polyamory can’t be hard. It’s characterized by intense, honest communication with partners – a surprisingly difficult task, but necessary for maintaining healthy relationships. Ethical non-monogamy means everyone involved consents to the situation. It can mean handling jealousy and delicately balancing time. Polyamory takes work. Yet this should come as no surprise, because monogamous relationships take work too. Good relationships are hard. In fact, poly folk aren’t doing a whole lot different from monogamous folk. We just feel the pull to try to do it with more than one person.
