Finally! A new holiday to celebrate our great and fearless leader, John E. Jones III. The one who finally brought Dickinson College a new era. One with peace and prosperity. Students rejoiced in the street as we are finally able to celebrate our acclaimed leader. Every. Single. Day. Is now John E. Jones III Appreciation Day. 

Some students have even pledged to never wear the color red again, as it may incite civil unrest and we would not want that to disrupt our new, glorious holiday. Many Johnists are pledging to wear white, to symbolize their alliance with the president.

President Jones has tackled divisive issues on campus. He has designated plans to build a new dining hall for the Dickinson squirrel – how thoughtful! He has fought tooth and nail to raise his wages – rightfully so!

Many students are ecstatic at his new-found holiday. The president has a difficult time making the trek from his home to our esteemed campus. On the days he is able to visit for an hour, students are sure to smile and talk to their leader, and absolutely give no criticisms at all because he is running this campus so incredibly smoothly! 

It is truly a sight to see so many star-struck students. He has even begun signing autographs (in exchange for a sizable donation). However, no amount of money is worth more than the happiness of Dickinsonians!

Holiday celebrations consist of applause in the dining hall during every meal as a token of appreciation towards President Jones. Every single student is watched by a dining worker to make sure they clean their plate – to make sure everyone is grateful for the food President Jones provides. 

I have recently seen students forgo all of their belongings besides their “Alliance to President Jones” T-shirt, which is the only acceptable form of clothing to be worn during this sacred holiday. 

Even some of the squirrels have been spotted wearing them! I, personally, have started collecting framed pictures of the president to distribute for holiday festivities. Many students carry the frames in their backpacks, to remember who they do this all for. 

Celebrations always take place outside of President Jones’s home and can last hours. The High Street band continues the night by asking if the audience wants “one more song.” 

Truly the best moments of my, and many others’ college careers, are celebrating the great president who has finally solved the great social ills of food insecurity and economic inequality. He truly will be seen as a revolutionary for decades to come.