Under pressure from local religious groups claiming to be spiritually offended by the demonic implications of Dickinson’s Red Devil mascot, the college has announced that it plans to adopt a new representative: the Blue Angel.

This change will be effective as of January 1, 2024. All members of the Dickinson community are urged to renounce any prior allegiance with the Red Devils, lest their souls be spurned from salvation. 

To all students ready to embrace this change, the President’s Office and Campus Life offered the following tips in an email sent to the student body.

1. Be cool. Red equals hot, blue equals cool.

1. If you see your classmates consorting with the Red Devil, or think you’ve seen your classmates consorting with the Red Devil, or believe it would get you out of trouble if you had seen your classmates consorting with the Red Devil, report it immediately to the proper authorities. DPS will then take the appropriate action.

1. Honor your community. When they go low, you take the High Street.

1. Avoid any allusions to the Red Devil. Devil’s food cake? Off limits. Have Red Devil Dickinson merch? Get rid of it, and wear your new Blue Angel drip instead.

1. As we adapt to this new mascot, the locations on campus, such as the Devil’s Den (now known as Angel’s Alcove) and the Kline Center will be undergoing maintenance and some small changes to their layout and logos. What do you mean, why is there an organ above the squash courts? You must not have noticed before. 

1. Do not under any circumstances take this transformation from Red Devil to Blue Angel to mean that you can successfully land a plane on your own. You can’t.

When asked about concerns with the price tag for the change of the mascot, George Stroud, Vice President for Student Life, said “we know that may be an issue, but it is a sacrifice we are willing to take.” To make up for the well-worth-it cost of this change, tuition will be increased by $23,477 for each student. This increase is inflexible, and can not be covered with academic or merit scholarship. Professors will also receive even less pay than they do now, as that money will be used to support the transition to the almighty Blue Angel. Faculty who do not support this change will be put into a lottery drawing to be replaced by the Blue Angel, as he knows all and can fill in for any academic.