Breaking News: Union Station has fallen. The last Chickinson sandwich has been lost as a result of the ongoing battle between the caf workers, a feral pack of adjunct professors and campus squirrels. The campus weeps at the loss.
I am sheltered in an undisclosed bunker in the south of campus, but I shall do my best to update my fellow students with what news I have received from my scouts. The Trickinsonian cannot cease publication without express permission from the Student Senate, and since no one has been able to enter the HUB Underground since the colony of black mold there gained sentience, we must keep writing.
President Jones is scheduled to make an address today from the Alumni Center where he is barricaded in with Dickinson’s plumpest doners and trustees. Once their stores run out, the poorest among them will be eaten first. We thank them for their sacrifice to our glorious president.
Bosler has burned down after the recent war between the campus squirrels and the professors. The faculty’s tactic of using non-tenured staff as human shields proved to be too little too late.
A new barter economy has sprung up both at both Dsig and the townhouses. Current rate is three lucky streaks for one Celsius, three Celsius for one geek bar and three geek bars for entry into one of their parties. A high price, but my scouts report that the inside of their houses remain more or less the same as before the apocalypse. It is unclear if this is a good thing.
The Benjamin Rush statue has been roaming at midnight again, so if you see him, DO NOT ENGAGE.
We here at The Trickinsonian are seeking new reporters after several staff disappearances around the Rector Complex. We suspect the snakes formerly held in the basement have gotten loose and are taking revenge on all who dare enter. If you are interested, please email us, drop by the secret undisclosed bunker or shriek aimlessly into the wind.
Finally, we are pleased to announce that tuition has been raised once again to pay for improvements around campus after the battles. There are even rumors of new planters being placed around the nuclear feted swamp that swallowed the Kline Center in full. We are pleased to pay these tithings to blessed Dickinson who protects us in Her grace and punishes us for our misdeeds.
God Speed noble Dickinsonians.
