As of Oct. 21, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it will be welcoming a beloved tradition back to campus: the DPS Drunk Hunt! This tradition was among the many which hit the chopping block during COVID lockdowns but is now getting a second chance at life. 

DPS professional drunk hunting agents, trained on Xbox hunting games, will disperse from Kaufman at 6:00 p.m. promptly on Halloween. They will be on the lookout for anyone who might have the slightest possibility of getting drunk over Halloweekend. 

When asked about the Drunk Hunt, President Jones stated: “yeah motherf*ckers, get ready to be hunted,” and then threateningly tapped his watch humming “tick tock” to himself under his breath for over an hour. 

The Drunk Hunt is a tradition as sacred to Dickinson as mold. The first one was held in 1783, in which a power-hungry Benjamin Rush pursued a group of three students while brandishing a sword, and it became an instant favorite among staff who were really pissed off at students’ sh*tty midterm grades. The tradition has persisted, with most college presidents choosing to take part in it every year because, in the words of President Jones, “sh*ts and gigs, I guess.” 

The DPS officers will be camouflaged amongst parts of Dickinson nature. DPS has purchased, after hiking tuition a staggering 500%, some state-of-the-art squirrel costumes. They will also be placing DPS officers undercover amongst the student body in attempts to figure out where the best parties are. 

Students are advised to stay inside, making sure their doors are locked, and to not answer any knocks on the door without first making sure the person on the other side can answer at least one pop culture question from the last five years. 

If you happen to find yourself outside — run. That’s it, just run. But be warned, no matter how fast you run, the DPS agents will be faster. 

The college has spared no expense in training these agents, with a highly renowned KGB assassin being released from U.S. prison to train DPS to be as ruthless as possible. 

If you are caught, DPS recommends ratting out any fellow students who might be drinking on Halloweekend. If you do, President Jones might issue you a pardon. 

DPS reminds students to “not call DPS even in emergencies, as we will be too busy hunting,” and instead to turn to the CPD or even the state troopers for any issues. 

The safety shuttle will also not be running that night, due to not enough students being willing to drive it. This is unrelated to the Drunk Hunt.