Last weekend, John E. Jones III, president of Dickinson College, was seen prancing through campus after attending Halloweekend parties at the townhouses. Security camera footage captured Jones stumbling around Kaufman at 3:00 a.m., and followed him as he went through the Lower Quad, strutted down D-Walk and began dancing on the seal in Britton Plaza. 

Passersby claimed Jones was singing a tune along the lines of “nobody graduates, I get more money,” on repeat while carefully counting each time he stepped on the seal, to make sure he was cursing every current student at the college.

Jones was apprehended by DPS at 3:30 a.m., before making a break for it across the Academic Quad. He receded under the steps of Old West and was unable to be dislodged by DPS officers after numerous unsuccessful attempts. Officers left the premises at 4:00 a.m. in the morning, and, half an hour later, Jones emerged nearly naked. He proceeded to run, in what he probably thought was a straight line, across the Academic Quad, wiping out after tripping on nearly three dozen lawn chairs. 

A student, emerging from an all-nighter at the library, reported, around 5:00 a.m., that they saw Jones, wearing a Gollum-esque loincloth, crouched over the seal. The student elaborated that Jones was, “acting like that freaky little dude from Lord of the Rings,” saying that Jones was attempting to pry the seal out of Britton Plaza, mumbling “my precious.” 

Around 5:30 a.m. in the morning, Jones was seen simultaneously being chased by and chasing numerous campus squirrels, holding paint swatches to try to find the albino one. When asked about this afterwards Jones said, “I wanted to remove the fun of seeing it, I guess.” 

DPS was called for the third time after reports of Jones trying to climb Old West King-Kong style to steal the mermaid. The responding officers said he never made it more than two feet off the ground before being apprehended. Jones was escorted back to his mansion after his bender. 

On Monday, Jones released a statement saying, “I do not regret what I did, it was damn fun.” When asked about cursing the entire student body, Jones said “F*ck them kids.” 

Jones has promised not to go to anymore townhouse parties, yet a large quantity of espionage makeup and hyper-realistic masks have been billed to the college from the guys who made Mission Impossible.