Due to ongoing financial concerns, The Trickinsonian now has new owners. In what was certainly not a coup of the paper’s leadership, The Trickinsonian was bought by the Dickinson College Republicans.
To help cover the costs of the newspaper, the College Republicans will fork over a little bit of their alumni money to keep us afloat. It may mean one less guy gets to go to CPAC this year to schmooze with the elected officials trying to undermine American democracy, but that’s a small price for them to pay.
“I never really read the newspaper before, or the news in general, it’s too woke for me,” said Blandass Whyteguy ’28, a member of College Republicans. “But now, I will make sure to read all of their articles. Surely they will agree with me on all of my policy positions,” he said. Whyteguy’s policy positions were not included in this article, as they may actually be the most vile things I have ever heard come out of a human’s mouth.
The paper will also expand its repertoire of contributors. Former Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson will be among our new writers. We will also have a column dedicated to all the genius and certainly not dementia-ridden thoughts of former President Donald Trump. To keep the news balanced and fair, we will also invite a Democrat who certainly will not become a Republican in a few months and CERTAINLY is not a Russian puppet.
“I think we should provide equal, fair coverage to both sides,” said Brian Griffin ’27, another member of College Republicans (no relation to the “Family Guy” dog). “I know The Trickinsonian will allow that, even if I want to name Donald Trump as God Emperor of the Mankind,” he said.
With our new owners, we also intend to look towards actual journalists to guide our decisions. In regards to endorsements for this year’s presidential election, we will follow the track of The LA Times and The Washington Post, and endorse no one for president. This is clearly a matter of principle, and not because of the MAGA hat looming behind me as I write this article.
To celebrate this new expansion into media, the College Republicans will be hosting a celebration on the steps of Old West. This rally, set for Jan. 5, 2025, will be peaceful and not serve as training for any event going on in Washington, D.C. the next day.
