Investigators within the federal government has identified a senior official to remove from the halls of power. This as-of-yet unnamed individual has, according to an anonymous report from r/imverysmart, been active in hiring useless officials whose contributions have been actively counterproductive. Additionally, there are other reports which have indicated several associates of this official are going to be removed for their role in compromising the country.
The senior official selected for transfer is accused of anti-American behavior and sentenced to shots. They will be dispatched afterwards to the hunger games, assuming that the Ghost in the Weiss Center doesn’t catch up with his truck under the mistaken impression that the transfer is to Area 51, because the Ghost wants to reunite with his long-lost relatives being held hostage. After an excruciating therapy session with a handsome Drinkinsonian reporter, the Ghost now believes that one of his relatives has been transferred to Dickinson College’s study abroad program on the moon.
Incidentally, the senior official went into a panic when informed that his donation of Crypto cars and Meme cycles did not perform well within the program’s facilities, with the engines succumbing to the shame of being associated with the official. The senior most associate of this official has been exonerated by the Supreme Court of the Russian Federation from the verdict of the impartial Jury, comprised of Floridian Alligators who have broken out of rehab and the Benjamin Rush statue. When reached for comment, defense attorney Vladamir Rasputin announced that he considered this result proof of the superiority of his adoration for the defendant over love for his wife.
Reporters for the Drinkinsonian received confirmation that the prosecutor in the case, a certain Ivan Ivanovitch Ivanov, was subsequently sentenced to be the next chair of Dickinson College’s Lunar study abroad program. A new initiative of said program is the removal of mold which is vomited by the local sandworm population, and there is now a tradition that each new official upon arrival must French Kiss the native wildlife.
Another associate of the senior official has been removed from their posting at the Department of not defending NATO, amidst a range of accusations. One version of events claimed was a conspiracy which formed because of the official’s lusting and hunger for power. Eventually ‘this man’s just got to go’ declared his enemies, and the ladies said ‘can you hurry it up please?’. Another of these allegations, according to a technician who has since requested a transfer to the lunar study abroad program as opposed to the more stressful job in DC, is that ‘they put some water into his wine, ha ha ha, he drank it all and said I feel fine’.
Afterwords, the less-inebriated official was spotted asking a bomber named ‘Alice’ if they could go out and insinuating that a page on the Department’s website about the illustrious service by the bomber ‘Enola Gay’ keeps them up at night in a panicked sweat. Another technician stated that the conspirators let the official bring a friend of his along to an inspection, who then asked if they could date an F-15 strike fighter, only to be horrified when informed that the aircraft was over eighteen. Overall, this Department official’s many scandals are an opportunity for internships geared towards students eager to go into the dismantling of government.
In conclusion, the Senior official, the Senior most Associate and the Department’s official are expected to survive this current round of inspections under the legal principle that ‘haters gonna hate’. All officials have hired extensive teams of lawyers, some of whom are definitely going to remain by their sides on account of several getting listed as co-defendants by the relevant indictments.
