Our president, Johnny Jones, has approved a new mechanism for improving attendance of early morning classes. Using funds reallocated from janitorial services, this glorious college has introduced HELIOS, the Hyper-Efficient-Lifting-Individuals-Of-Sleep, an Unmanned Ground Vehicle or UGV. 

How does HELIOS operate? Well, this UGV has tracks allowing it to go across any kind of terrain, provided by rubber taken from several tires in the Kaufman parking lot. The second feature of HELIOS is a set of grabbing arms, the motion of which was described by one test subject as ‘breaking any heart without regret’ and that the arms tend to target unspecified parts of the body. 

However, the handsome Trickinsonian Reporter suffered a setback in the course of the investigation, which took the form of a triangle with an eye in the middle popping up on his screen. So far no one has taken responsibility for the censorship on reddit, instead the Illuminati held a press conference at the FCC office. 

Our Supreme Leader Jones also elaborated upon the purpose of HELIOS. “Uglies who have to put mascara on will be brought by the droid to the bathroom first, with the droid applying material prior to class” which presumably meant something profoundly brilliant. 

A comment regarding the Programming of HELIOS by Deputy Supreme Leader Cramer was that “His days of asking are all gone, His fight goes on and on and on” to reiterate that the droid has received upgrades for dealing with students who insist on superfluous luxuries like breakfast or getting dressed. 

HELIOS emerged from a massive combined development program which involved numerous contributors. One of these was the student group Fortunate Sons, composed of those who could afford to hire outside consultants, whose sub-consultants obtained engineers to build a working prototype. 

According to their anonymous leader, Fortunate Sons was motivated by the need to win a STEM contest, and the group is the ‘winner who takes all, and they strike’ when opportunity arises. 

Another contributor to the development of HELIOS is the Patriotic Bears, a student-faculty contribution which stresses the need for Americans to be prepared to work for the benefit for our great leader in the capital of Moscow. Their involvement was primarily in the theoretical calculation as to what will improve the readiness of loyal students to salute the sacred image of the Chickinsonian Sandwich now being placed in each classroom. 

Deputy Supreme Leader Cramer thanked both of these groups in a press conference which took place in the Old West control center for HELIOS. 

Dickinson College organizations and departments are already witnessing the impact of HELIOS. Notably, a new student group called the Pillow-Fighting club already put out a secret-classified memo on Instagram complaining that “He always runs while others walk” due to the claimed inclusion of a micro-nuclear reactor within the mechanism. 

Professor of Physics Andrei Neumann has called this micro-nuke his ‘Thunderball’ in that it generates enormous power that can fit in his hollowed out teddy bear. Another student group commenting on HELIOS is the Lem Collective, a team of students and professors which seeks the furthering of scientific exploration. 

When asked by the handsome Trickinsonian reporter on their thoughts, they stated a desire to utilize the grasping power of HELIOS to build a ‘CYCLOPS’ copy optimized for research and enforcement at the Lunar Study abroad program. Their proposed ‘CYCLOPS’ version would have a self-detonation capability for ensuring that the wifi signal from Earth will never truly fail, and a ‘Frickin-laser-beam’ for unspecified purposes. 

The HELIOS program ordered by Jonny Jones greatly expands the ability of the students to be ready in the morning, with punctuality expected to increase in the coming weeks. For their initiative in fulfilling this project, Professor Andrei Neumann, the Patriotic Bears and the Fortunate Sons are expected to receive the order of the Chickensonian Sandwich to be handed out by Deputy Supreme Leader Cramer in the Old West control room.