After updating their menu earlier this year, Denim at the Quarry is making another update for the Fall 2025 semester.
In the Fall 2024 semester, Denim updated their menu to include new options to buy things with meal swipes. These included the ability to buy a pastry and a drink, a smoothie or frappe or a breakfast sandwich and coffee with one swipe.
Now, starting in Fall of 2025, Denim will be offering lobotomies. This change comes as the college is becoming increasingly stressed with the tumult of the Trump Administration.
Denim partnered with the Wellness Center to execute this new policy. They have secured funds from the College to renovate the Quarry basement from a slightly decrepit billiards room into a sleek, modern clinic. The Wellness Center representative working with Denim said, “The Wellness Center has been over encumbered with students seeking counseling, we simply don’t have enough therapists for all the students seeking help,” to justify opening the clinic in the basement of Denim. One Denim employee also said, “Let’s be real, the basement is really a sh*t hole,” with another Denim employee responding, “You can’t say that, you have to say crap hole cause it’s a newspaper.”
The lobotomies, or Denimbotomies as students have begun calling them, will be offered for three swipes. The three swipe cost, while steep, covers more than the average swipe can buy you. Each purchase of a lobotomy includes the surgical procedure and a doctor’s note which says you don’t need to attend class. Now, some professors will not accept this note as a valid excuse to miss class, so plan ahead before purchasing a lobotomy.
The basement renovations are currently underway, and progress has been drastically delayed due to the College simply not giving a sh*t. The plans for the basement include a surgical theatre with rooms for student Biology majors to watch the procedures. This surgical theatre also contains a Sea World-esque ‘splash zone’ for brave students willing to get a closer look at the procedures. Along with the surgical theatre, the renovations also include a recovery room for the small cost of three more swipes.
Along with the renovations, Denim is providing slightly discounted training for all their employees to become first-aid certified. When asked if a basic first-aid certification was enough to give lobotomies, the Wellness Center representative said, “Yup.” According to further research, a simple first-aid certificate might not be enough to administer lobotomies, but The Drinkinsonian preaches putting your wholehearted faith in whatever the College says.
The lobotomy swipe option will become available at the start of the new academic semester in Fall of 2025. Tuition will be raised by $20,000 for the Fall of 2025 to account for building a new dorm to replace Baird-McClintock.
