The Water Boy

Marcus Witherspoon ’20, Opinion Editor

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There are few things that are certain in life: death, taxes, and the fact that most water fountains straight up suck. I’ve spent damn near 22 years on this earth and have only found one water fountain that I like. I’ve spent years formulating a grading system to determine what the best water fountain is, and only one has graded high enough to earn the mark as my favorite. But before we talk about which fountain on campus is my favorite, let me break down my five-point grading system for you. 

The first point is height. Being a person that is six feet and one inch tall, every time I get a sip of water I have to break my back bending over 90 degrees to quench my thirst. More often than not I like to indulge in a nice long water break so I have to stay in this uncomfortable position for what feels like an eternity. 

My second point is the water pressure. Have you ever been on the brink of passing out from being so thirsty you started to see mirages? I have. All you have to do is get to that water fountain in the distance before you die and you’re all set. However, when you get there and try to get a lifesaving sip, the water pressure is so insignificant that there is no arch to the water and you end up practically making out with the water fountain. On God, this is one of the worst feelings ever. What is the point of even having a water fountain if you can only get your lips wet because the water can’t get the f**k up?

My third point is coldness. I’m just going to come out and say it. There is no reason, at all, for a water fountain to not be cold! Too many times have I longed for a cold sip of water and have been disappointed when all I get is room temperature water. How does that even happen? Water fountains must be ice cold, no discussion. 

My fourth point is aesthetic. Some water fountains look fugly. They are old and dingy, parts are falling off or are stained, etc. On the other hand, some water fountains look very nice and appealing and even have the water bottle spot (bonus points in my book). Sure, I’m just there to get water, but I want to get water in style and avoid getting a tetanus shot if I can.

My fifth point is the splash. This one doesn’t really affect my drinking because I drink the water and don’t watch it just hit the drainage area. However, it is on my grading scale for a psychological reason. Whenever I see a water fountain that just splashes all over your clothes, bag, face, etc., it makes me think that the people (or machines, who the f**k knows makes water fountains) who made the fountain just didn’t care and didn’t pay attention to detail. I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t enjoy using a product if it wasn’t made 100% correctly. It’s just more of an annoyance than an inconvenience, but it still matters. 

And that is the grading scale, my friends. I know it’s pretty in depth for water fountains, but they can be severely improved just by using this scale. Which brings us to the moment you’ve been waiting for: my favorite water fountain on campus. It is located in the bottom of the HUB just across from the MOB room. Yes, that humble little water fountain is my favorite on campus and let me tell you why. Height: higher than any other water fountain I used in my damn life and I love it. No back breaking for me! Five out of five. Water pressure: solid pressure every single time and it is consistent throughout the drink with an impressive arch. Not overpowering, but also not weak. Slightly thicker stream allows for great gulps when in a rush. Five out of five. Coldness: not only cold, but borderline freezing. I know some people don’t like their water that cold, but you know what I have to say to those people? That’s too damn bad. Five out of five. Aesthetic: I can admit, it’s not the prettiest looking water fountain, but it’s simple and gives me a classic feel. Four out of five. Splash: instantly five out of five. Extremely smooth to the point where you can’t even hear it hit the fountain. So, do yourself a favor and get to the bottom of the HUB.

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