Chanté Joseph’s “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? recent article in Vogue has caused quite a stir on social media. Just from reading the title, I thought it’d be totally bashing men, however, the article turned out to be surprisingly uncontroversial. The main idea it touches on is women’s move to decenter men from their lives, especially on social media. In fact, the article was mostly about social media image in women’s spaces. The women included in the article expressed displeasure with men for a variety of reasons and explained why they weren’t actively seeking out romantic relationships with men.
As a straight man who has been in relationships before, I’m going to share my thoughts. I don’t care about coming off as a “pick me”— I’m not even interested in getting into a relationship right now, and my attraction to someone is determined by whether I think we’d be compatible or not.
First, everyone should be less judgmental about what others decide to do with their lives. Why is a woman including her boyfriend in social media posts looked down on by so many other women? It shouldn’t just be assumed that the man she’s with is bad, or that her entire life revolves around him. Secondly, and I can’t find the words to fully express what I mean by this, but I believe that women would have a more positive view of heterosexual men if men had better reputations as partners, and if men as a whole were doing better in society. This isn’t to say that men are to blame for all problems, but I think they tend to be responsible for more of the issues than women.
Besides just wanting to have sex, women have less social and economic incentives than in past years to want to pursue relationships with men. Yes, most corporate and political power is in the hands of old and middle-aged men, but I have a feeling this will change as women in our generation seem to be outperforming men career-wise. Women’s demand for relationships with men is lower than it used to be, and their standards are higher, which means that men need to find a way to make themselves more appealing. Any relationship requires two people, it’s just that women have more power in the dating landscape today. On average they have more interest from everyone and appear to be more content with being single. Additionally, women seem to exercise more caution when it comes to with whom they enter relationships.
People, including men seeking relationships shouldn’t change everything about themselves. But if they’re not getting what they want, they need to either adapt or accept being single for longer. Also, everyone should realize that relationships require compromising and that they’ll never get everything they want, at least right off the bat. Many times, one can grow to love things about their partner that they wouldn’t have imagined at the start.
To address my fellow straight men: being a “good guy”, a pleasant person, and decent-looking is necessary but not sufficient. All her friends are already nice to her, so she’s not going to automatically want you just because you’re nice and a man. Think about how you add value to her life, how you uplift her, make her feel empowered, and strengthen her. She should do those things for you too. This is natural selection at play, and women’s way of influencing future generations of men.f they want women badly enough, they’ll shape themselves to be the types of people women want. Even if you feel like you did everything right though, no one owes you their romantic interest. There are plenty of fish in the sea, so if someone doesn’t feel the chemistry with you, just let go and move on.
For the most part, women aren’t necessarily looking for the richest guy, the smartest, or the absolute best-looking one; it’s more about your all-around profile. If you want them to like you, you need to figure out what your “type” wants and align yourself more with that, or expand what types of women you’d date. You’ll never be the one for everyone, however if you never experience romantic attention, or at least not as much as you’d like, it’d be in your best interest to reflect on why that is.