n Thursday, March 25, President Ensign sent an email to the student body expanding even more on the latest measures the school will take to mitigate the spread of COVID-19.

These measures include, but are by no means limited to, opening each eatery on campus for just 17 minutes a week, spread out over the course of six days, excluding Monday, for a total of just three minutes and twenty-three seconds each day. Dining says this is a test to weed out the hungry from the truly hungry; if you want your muffuletta sandwich, you’re going to have to prove your worth.

“We hope that these hand-crafted, sustainably butchered michelin efforts will allow the college to preserve through the coronavirus panorama. Peace and blessings,” said Barrel Tuffman.

However, absolutely none of these new or pre-existing measures apply to the Kline center, where all students are encouraged to flock to get #DickinsonStrong. Barrel’s looking for a gym buddy.

Furthermore, out of an abundance of caution, students are no longer allowed to show their masked faces in Masey’s Frozen Custard Shop. Only Leos. When asked about their reasoning for their decision, President E-Signature mumbled something about Leos’ superior chocolate swirl.

Additionally, if you have a sibling that went or goes to or is considering attending Gettysburg, or has thought about that battle, they can’t come here to campus. Maybe Franklin and Marshall tho. Speak to Bangela Ferris about her mood that day to see if they can come to this splendid campus.

Don’t even get us started on graduation.