Dickinson Discovers Cocaine on Campus

Squirrelock Holmes

“There are no squirrels with hoards of cocaine on this campus” says John E. Johny II in a press conference this past Tuesday. This comment was in response to the rumor that the Department of Public Safety has discovered an abundance of cocaine in various squirrel dens around campus.

A day later, however, an email was sent to the entire student body explaining the history of Benny Rush and his experiments with cocaine on squirrels: “They did not begin as cocaine squirrels,” George Stroud, Dean of Student Life and overall silly guy writes, “it was Benjamin Rush’s persistent experimentation on them which caused generations of addiction.” Later in the email he continued, “We believe it was meant to be a psychological experiment in which he could study trends in addiction.”

When The Dickinsonian questioned Stroud and Jonny further, Stroud explained that “it’s been common knowledge for quite some time now that the squirrels on Dickinson’s campus are a little… different. But to be honest, in all the archival evidence we have it was believed Benjamin Rush was joking when he claimed to have provided squirrels with as much cocaine as they could ever need.” 

John Egg JZ added, “In hindsight we should have taken the letters between him and John Dickinson concerning the experiment more seriously. However it was also filled with such detailed descriptions of gay sex we belived they had to be satirical in nature.”

The squirrels on campus have now had generations of cocaine addiction. It does not appear that the experimentation yielded any meaningful results for the psychological community, however it did cause a lack of fear and pure hatred in the squirrels on campus today.

When asked to elaborate on why they had not discovered the cocaine sooner, Jiggle E. Jimes responded, “We probably should have.”