After receiving the Mandate of Philly, former Interim President John E. Jones III ’77 has been ordained as the next Governor of Pennsylvania. This comes after meeting with Gritty, who deemed him worthy of the title, saying “he balances out my vibes.” 

 Governor Jones ’77 P’11 has had a long-foretold rise to the governorship. Based upon the ancient texts stolen from the Waidner-Spahr Library, the “glorious new days will arise with the success of a Red Devil.”

Jones ’77 P’11 S’69 has very ambitious plans for the state. He hopes to use Dickinson College campus as the launching spot for a new state program that will crack down on all alcohol within the state. He also hopes to remove all extra food options from state funded college campuses, noting it has almost been done on Dickinson campus, so it should be easy for state schools. He also plans to provide all residents of Pennsylvania with a pet cockatoo, saying “there’s no better companion than a cockatoo, so it is important that everyone has one.”

 The previously scheduled election for the governorship has been abolished, as Jones ’77 P’11 S’69 G’46 is the only person we ever need to run the great state of Pennsylvania. If you think we need anyone else, you’re crazy and we do not have to worry about anything he will do. 

 Prior to his time as President of Dickinson College, Jones ’77 P’11 S’69 G’46 N’64 was a Federal Judge, did you know. He didn’t actually rule on anything important–as far as I can tell he left his position as a federal judge because it was pretty boring and he was basically the Judge Judy of the federal Judiciary. He was also a part of the Dickinson College Board of Trustees, also known as the “who are these people, we have literally never heard of them” group. 

He told the Dickinsonian that the reason that he was leaving the college for the new role was because he was so upset that the caf got rid of self-serve lines. “This whole dining services thing is going downhill,” he said.

 The new governor, John E. Jones III ’77 P’11 S’69 G’46 N’64 R’34 begins his term on January 17. His term will expire either when the SNAR brings back online ordering, or upon the heat death of the universe — whichever happens first.