Aaron Rodgers Shocks the Sports World, Becomes a Red Devil

Aaron Rodgers, formerly with the Green Bay Packers, stunned the sports world yesterday by announcing that he had decided to continue his football career as a quarterback for Dickinson College.

The seeds for Rodgers’ decision were planted as he boarded an airplane headed to a four-day retreat meant to help Rodgers decide to stay with the Packers, go to the New York Jets or retire.

Fortuitously for Dickinson, Rodgers was seated in first class next to Dickinson President John E. Jones, who was on his “endlessly fundraising” tour. 

Upon hearing that Rodgers was looking to decide what to do with his life, Jones seized on the idea of convincing Rodgers to come to Carlisle. Jones, famously known for not taking no for an answer, proceeded to go into a two hour speech about why Rodgers should play for Dickinson. 

Rodgers finally agreed, apparently saying he would come to Dickinson if Jones would just stop talking. He also credited the psychedelics he took just before he got on the plane for his decreased resistance to Jones’s ideas. 

Jones apparently closed the deal with Rodgers when he showed Rodgers Dickinson’s impressive gymnasium facilities. Jones was heard saying, “they won’t say we paid too much for the gym now.” Also important to Rodgers’ decision was Jones’ promise that Rodgers could teach a course “spreading the gospel about fake news on podcasts.” 

Rodgers also made a reference to the decision helping him get out of the “crosshairs of the woke mob.” He said other odd things too but, after a while, the reporters present at the news conference stopped listening, with one of them saying “this dude really likes attention.”  

When asked how Rodgers, who played college football at the University of California, could be eligible at age 39 to play Division III football, Rodgers and Jones both claimed to be unconcerned with eligibility rules. Jones said enigmatically, “we’ll make it work.” 

Rodgers said, “I got away with playing in the NFL without a COVID vaccination and generally pissing off Packers management. I won’t let some quote unquote eligibility rules get in my way.” Rodgers added that he enjoyed the idea of “pissing off a whole new group of people.” 

When reached for comment, Joe Douglas, General Manager of the New York Jets, who had been thought to be the frontrunner to have Rodgers as their quarterback this year, said, “things never go right for the Jets so I’m not surprised that Aaron made this weird-ass decision.”   

We’re excited to cover him throughout his tenure and can’t wait for the surely epic downfall.