Professors who teach in Althouse Hall have recently been complaining that they hear sounds of scurrying in the basement. After some investigative reporting on behalf of The Drinkinsonian they discovered that the perpetrator is the Dickinsonian’s own Editor-in-Chief, Nathaniel Bartholemule McCloud.

Ben Gurwitch ’25, the Dickinsonian’s Sports Editor said “Honestly I was surprised. Nat recently has been kinda losing it, but I didn’t think it was this bad. He has really fallen off the horse.” 

Gurwitch went on to explain that McCloud has been living at home the past year and making just $12 an hour. “I think that’s why he’s lost it,” he said. Eleanor Nolan ’25, Associate News Editor said “God I just don’t know. It’s crazy. He has really been out of it lately.” 

The investigative journalism done by The Drinkinsonian has found that McCloud has been living in Althouse on weekends and on weekdays when he didn’t have work until he was fired recently for not disclosing his severe nut allergy. “Come on, can’t you just tell by looking at me?” he said in his final meeting.

Ben Warren ’25, News Editor of The Dickinsonian explained that “Nat has been really stressed recently, we’ve been worried about him.”

Walker Kmetz ’25 said “I saw him walking out of the shower. There was a rat on his shoulder. It was scary.” They went on to say “He was mumbling, I think to the rat, talking about his job and having to edit.”

Kmetz explained that they accidentally found McCloud’s nest. “I truly don’t know what I can say to describe it. It was horrifying. Just gallon bags of trail mix and pairs of dress shoes.”

When McCloud was tracked down for an interview and asked about his association with rats, he said “What rat?” with a rat on his shoulder. When the rat was pointed out to him, McCloud screamed like a prepubescent squirrel.

McCloud is known on campus for not much, however recently rumors have spread that he once gave half the school mono after licking every spoon in the caf. 

We attempted to get a final comment from McCloud, but he just kept bringing up his year at Oxford. “You don’t understand…It was jolly good mate,” he said.