After the release of their new anti-drinking merchandise, the Wellness Center announced that the student body has seen a 107.3% decrease in alcohol consumption. 

The merch, given away at events hosted by the Wellness Center, has had a significant impact on the student community and its fashion sense. While the pens and condoms were popular, the most exciting items were the t-shirts emblazoned with #nomoredrinkinson on the front. 

“I saw the shirt and the message really stuck with me,” one first year student said. “I will never touch another drop of alcohol for the rest of my life” she went on to elaborate. Demand for the shirts and their inspirational message have grown exponentially since their introduction. 

One way they have helped get the message out is with a t-shirt cannon called “The Thirst Quencher,” which has been utilized across campus during prospective and accepted student tours. “Ow,” said one prospective student who got a shirt. 

Since alcohol consumption has gone kaput, the Wellness Center has decided to move on to new ventures. Their top concern is the well-known epidemic of campus squirrels addicted to cocaine. “We know the squirrels have a problem, and we have to help them before they get to harder drugs,” said a representative of the Wellness Center. Given the success of their prior shirts, they will be releasing #nomorecokesquirrel shirts – in both human and squirrel sizes. Preorders open tomorrow. 

The Wellness Center hopes to increase the usage of #awarenessTshirts by introducing a shirt that reads #GoPissGorl. The reason for this new shirt is the drastically increasing number of diagnosed UTI’s within Dickinson’s student body. Lauren Strunk, Executive Director of the Wellness Center, said “We hope that having a humorous shirt will encourage students to urinate after intercourse. We know you are f——-, just please for the love of god, wear a condom and pee after.”