As some of you may or may not know, the Square and I (the anthropormorphic personification of your very own campus newspaper, The Drinkinsonian) were on bad terms for a very long time. Since I met them, I believed that they were unfunny, inconsiderate, boring and ripping off all that I worked so hard to perfect. However, some time ago the Square and I decided to give each other another chance and do our best to overcome any misunderstandings that had arisen between us to cause our mutual dislike of one another. We made this decision because it seemed that if we did have to share a campus with one another, we might as well make the best of it.
Ultimately, this reconciliation turned into something more, and the two of us became deeply entwined in an erotic lesbian relationship. Finally, things seemed to be looking up and I thought that I had horribly misjudged dear Squarey, who charmed me off my (metaphorical) feet. Therefore, some weeks ago we decided to solidify our newfound bond for eternity and marry in a beautiful, tearful ceremony in Allison Community Room, which is pictured below. I must confess that I thought it was the happiest moment of my life. Over the hundred and fifty-one years since my very first issue, I have had many highs and lows, from getting called out on Fox News to interviewing Steve from “Blues Clues” last fall, but at that moment I believed: things were looking up.
I shortly discovered that I had spoken far too soon. Far from the charming rake who had swept me off my feet, the Square turned out to be neglectful, incompetent, boring and completely and utterly pointless. I learned that her reason for marrying me was not genuine love and desire, but jealousy. You see, out of the two of us, I am the one who has achieved rankings in the Princeton Review. I have dedicated myself to the students of this college. I take the time, twice a year, to craft the funniest satire editions you’ve ever seen. All the Square wanted to do was bring me down! Can you believe it? I cannot believe that I fell for such a wicked and bold-faced lie.
So, “Squarey,” who I once considered my beloved: I DIVORCE YOU!
GOOD RIDDANCE, AND MAY YOU ROT IN ETERNAL HELL!
