The dorm hall Baird-McClintock has been scheduled to be torn down, according to Dickinson ResLife. Demolitions are expected to begin as soon as possible — potentially this very afternoon. Construction on the HUB will pause during this time, as all of the workers will instead be focusing their efforts on gleefully tearing Baird to the ground. President and our Lord John E. Jones released a statement on the matter, saying “The HUB can wait. That ugly-ass dorm needs to go.” 

Jones went on to explain the College’s apparent reasoning for demolishing the dorm. “We simply don’t have enough money in our budget to continue maintenance of… Bard-MacMintock,” he said, squinting at what appeared to be smudged writing on his hand. 

We at The Drinkinsonian have been unable to identify what kind of allegedly expensive maintenance is happening in Baird-McClintock, or if it is even being maintained at all. 

Several students earlier were spotted stumbling out of the building, sobbing hysterically and coughing up chunks of asbestos. “We’re pretty sure the water has lead in it,” one student said, gesturing to her roommate who was convulsing on the ground. “Oh look, the paper wasps are back!” said another Baird-McClintock resident, promptly being swarmed by insects. Before any of the students could state their names, DPS officers appeared and ushered the students back into the dorm, muttering about “quarantine” and “contamination.”

When asked what was going to happen to the students currently living in Baird-McClintock, Lord Jones replied, “Holy sh*t, people still live in there?!” He had apparently been under the impression that the dorm hall had been converted to a “giant trash room” several years ago. 

“I dunno, do they need beds? We’ll probably just put them in the Denny basement,” said Provost Renee Cramer on the topic of re-housing the current Baird-McClintock residents. 

On a completely unrelated note, The Drinkinsonian has just received word that several castle turrets and a waterslide will be added to Drayer Hall. Where Dickinson is getting the funding for this project is unclear. “We had some extra money in the budget,” said Jones, shrugging. “The students of Drayer have been through a lot of hardship and I really think they deserve some kind of compensation for their sacrifice,” he added.