It is exceedingly likely that not a single Dickinson student has heard of the founding father James Wilson. Indeed, when the esteemed reporter of this article first googled him, all they got were a page of fanfiction results about a character on a medical TV show that the author has never heard of either.

Yet! Mr. James Wilson (the founding father, not the fictional doctor) holds an enduring relevance to all Dickinson students today, and as it is the author’s steadfast mission to inform the student body of the enduring homosexual legacy of our great institution, they deemed it vital to report on his life in the most trusted school newspaper around, The Trickinsonian.

      Longtime followers of this reporter’s work will remember the stories that broke last year unearthing new evidence that Benjamin Rush, our school’s founder, and John Dickinson, its namesake, were in a lifelong romantic relationship with one another, revealed by their copious and erotic love letters to one another that chiefly revolved around the rush of euphoria that John’s—well, I’m sure you can figure the pun out from there.

Even more salacious was the later revelation that they both had enjoyed just as fulfilling relationships with the one and only Thomas Jefferson. But now, your dear reporter has another juicy revelation they must make you aware of: the little-known James Wilson, one of the founding trustees of our school, also took part in this founding polyamorous relationship.

The reporter, who has spent countless hours upon hours deep in the archives of this school and elsewhere, confesses that it would not be surprising to them if soon evidence reveals that the entirety of the Constitutional Convention was just one giant orgy, with the founding document of this country being composed through shattering bursts of ecstasy. 1776 certainly was a monumental year.

Mr. Wilson’s delights in this regard no doubt continued during the early Board of Trustees meetings of Dickinson College, of which he was a member since its 1783 inception. Benny boy himself exalted Mr. Wilson’s “large frame and erect bearing,” his “fiery energy,” and described in detail how his “blue eyes gleamed.”

It is certain that Mr. Wilson learned all the relevant skills over the course of the two years (1765-1767) that he spent under the tutelage of John Dickinson himself, under whom he “studied law.” It can be wholly inferred that he spent a lot of time doing many other things under John Dickinson as well.

      Your author could unfortunately find only the most tenuous link between Mr. Wilson and Thomas Jefferson, so they will have to leave that up to your imagination. Perhaps it is for the best: after all, four people in love makes a square, and as we all know, that shape contributes nothing of significance to the Dickinson community.