In light of last week’s “swabbing of the bronze,” a yearly ritual in which resident Benjamin Rush statue is cleaned until he “shines like the top of the Chrysler building,” a select group of conscientious students recently took it upon themselves to “re-initiate” the statue back into the throes of #CollegeLife by making him the focus of a celebratory contemporary art piece, entitled “Liberation through Desecration: An Awakening” (also referred to in some circles as “This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” “I’m Never Having Kids” and “Well Shit”).

These students’ sheer level of dedication to their art was exemplified by the fact that they gathered on the academic quad at 3 a.m., severely inebriated “to facilitate open mindedness” and in various states of undress “to simulate the biting cold that Benjamin Rush had to endure on those chilly nights during the Industrial Revolution, when he’d selflessly volunteer to go on Taco Bell runs for his buddies when they were too drunk to drive—that is what he’s famous for…right?” 

Shrouded in darkness as absolute as it was on the day Benjamin Rush warned that the British were coming, the students, who remain unnamed to preserve the integrity of their project, proceeded to thoughtfully chuck 12 eggs at the well-respected founding father, chuckling drunkenly at the “silly” sight of the yolks dripping down the length of his “super rad blazer” and onto his “jeggings.” 

To symbolize Rush’s seemingly endless, kind of smelly, and really difficult to get out of the carpet string of accomplishments, a generous amount of silly string was then administered predominantly to his genital area, a clear nod to the man whose potency initially stimulated the catchphrase “go hard big dick.” To complete the look, the hardworking students draped a cloak of toilet paper over Rush’s shoulders to protect him from the elements, particularly those that rain upon his torso in torrents when flocks of birds fly by. 

Despite the efforts of the students, who strikingly, aren’t even art majors, but “just have a lot of feelings,” administrative officials tended to have negative reactions to the piece, which resulted in its components being “cleaned up” early the next morning. 

Studio Art Professor, Art Painterly, called the piece “tacky” and said, “I mean, c’mon.  Is this really the best we can do to honor the man who invented the lightbulb?” 

American History Professor, Doctor U.S. Ayyylmao, echoed the sentiment, noting that silly string and toilet paper “weren’t even around when Benjamin Rush proved the theory of relativity.”  He continued, “Back then you wiped your ass with whatever you could find—after walking ten miles in the snow and ice to prove your ruggedness—the way it should be.”   

When asked about the merit of the eggs, he simply sighed and said, “the chicken came first,” before disappearing into the wilderness with a few sheets of loose-leaf paper and an iPhone pacer set to ten miles.