Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue. 

Kidnappers gave up on holding President Roseman hostage after their ransom note went unnoticed. Students, faculty and staff reported that they only realized Roseman was missing upon her return to campus.

“I was expecting college officials to reach out to me to negotiate a price, but I never heard anything,” said Jimmy Bungles, head kidnapper in charge.

Bungles abducted Roseman in the middle of the special dinner honoring world peace, in front of a full cafeteria. Students did not seem to hear the cry for help, and carried about their dinner.

“I was so engrossed in the minute of silence, that I guess the kidnapper was able to slip away with Roseman,” said Evan Ritters ’16. “To be honest, I didn’t notice she wasn’t on campus until the kidnapper openly returned her.”

Emily Watersmith ’17 confirmed Ritter’s statement.

“Wait, Roseman was kidnapped? Huh, just thought she was chilling with Lori and their dogs in their house,” said Watersmith, “Like, I think the last time I saw her was at Convocation.”

Gyasi Rhodes ’19 was most confused of all.

“Who’s Roseman? Ohh, isn’t she the one who inspects the lawns? Or wait, is she that professor of computer science? I’m not really sure.”

Vice President Ned Brown defended the office by saying, “at least the school was able to function just as normal without her here.”