Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue.

Today is a historic day for at 1:00pm this afternoon President Roseman announced her plans to organize the First Annual Dickinson Hunger Games. It was brought to Madam President’s attention that many students on campus have been outwardly disrupting the unity and peacefulness of campus life. To effectively keep peace, President Roseman decided to create a program inspired by her personal hero President Snow of Panem.

Students will be divided into districts based on which residential building they reside in. During the fall semester two students, one male and one female, will be selected to represent their district in the competition that will end when one victor is left standing. However, this has left many critics skeptical of Roseman’s true motives. One source from inside the Roseman Administration claims, “This will allow us to strategically eliminate a student from each building to fix the housing issues that we caused. Just imagine all the freed up rooms!”

As part of the competition, our tributes will be asked to participate in different events and challenges. These will include waiting in line for your food at the SNAR. This will test the competitors’ stamina as they attempt not to starve. This first challenge is expected to take several days. One dining services employee commented, “This will work out great! People can come eat while they watch the participants! Plus several days is the average wait time for a SNAR meal anyway! So it just works out!”

Additionally, students will be asked to run up and down the stairs in Denny while being chased by several DPS officers who will attempt to capture them. However, many strategists have confirmed if you hide in a locked room and refuse to come out they may just leave you alone. Lastly, if more than one student survive these first two challenges, the remaining students will be tasked with fighting to the death to claim ownership of the one open study room in the library.

When asked about the new program President Roseman said, “Only by making students fight each other to the death can I get them to stop wanting to talk to me… I mean restore unity to the Dickinson Campus.  May the odds be ever in your favor.”