Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue. 

With the unexpected surge in first year students this past Fall, Dining Services has struggled to keep up with the increased mouths to feed. Despite a change in the ordering system in the Snar and adding a food station next to the Underground during peak hours, students still expressed overall dissatisfaction with dining options on campus. After countless surveys, Dining Services recently announced that the only feasible option to manage the larger student body’s dining needs is to shift consumption off-campus.

Flexboard III “Pitchers and Fries” Plan will be available in the Fall of 2016. This new dining option is the result of a collaborative effort between Dickinson Dining Services and the Gingerbread Man to alleviate overcrowding in the cafeteria. The “Pitchers and Fries” Plan will allocate $50 towards Declining Balance, $100 in Dining Dollars, and the remaining 800 Flex Points will be valid only at the Gingerbread Man for the purchase of pitchers and french fries. Upon analyzing consumption trends amongst Dickinson’s student body, the College discovered that the average Dickinsonian diets consists almost entirely of beer and french fries along with the occasional cup of coffee from the Quarry.

“The new meal plan option embraces Dickinson’s commitment to support local business and embrace social sustainability,” says a representative from Dining Services. Students of legal drinking age or with a valid fake ID are encouraged to try out the new meal plan and vacate on-campus dining facilities for what could be another unexpectedly large first year class.