Disclaimer: This article was part of our April 2016 satirical issue. 

Ex-Professor of Dickinson College, Severus Snape was recently released from his position at the college for posting “uncomfortable and unsettling” comments as well as promoting the practice of the dark arts on his blog, according to Provost and Dean of the College Albus Dumbledore.

Prior to dismissal from the school, Snape had accused professors at a university across the country of stealing information from a paper he had published years ago, without giving him credit for his ideas and writing. He contacted the head of the university and alerted them of his accusations, and then proceeded to post the exchange on his blog, followed by a video of himself making the Draught of Living Death potion, which is an extremely powerful sleeping draught that sends the drinker into a deathlike slumber, similar to suspended animation.

The accused professor panicked at the alleged threat, and contacted Dickinson College police. After a series of meetings with the deans and heads of the college, Snape was released, his classes to be taken over by an alternate professor. He was prohibited from coming back to campus, or attending campus events until taking a mandatory mental examination.

“Dickinson just cannot be associated with a professor who is not only making threats towards peer professors at other universities, but also promoting students and those who follow his blog to potentially practice the dark arts,” comments Dumbledore. “This is the one and only instance where you will hear Dickinson College saying that we just can’t include someone.”

Snape proceeded to post inflammatory comments on his blog, Severus-ity.blogs.com, claiming that these actions directed to him were “outrageous violations of constitutional free speech and freedom of the press and basic academic freedom” and that the college’s responses was “truly disgusting.”

Furthermore, Snape has continued to post necromantic videos and instructions on his blog, refusing to take the mental examination and continuing to comment on the lack of respect shown towards him as well as calling himself a “free speech martyr” in some instances.

“If Dickinson College is a not place where I can make thinly-veiled threats while demonstrating my mastery of the Dark Arts, then it’s a not place where I belong,” Snape comments.

Supporters of Snape declined to be named.