I lived, bitch.
The Square did its best to “cancel” me last semester for my thoroughly researched, evidence-based, and historically sound assertion that Presidents Andrew Jackson and James Buchanan participated in a torrid, dramatic love affair with one another, but I’m here to say that the truth will never be silenced. And I am here to say that I, through extensive effort, have uncovered the most torrid affair yet.
Something that very few students or faculty know about Dickinson is that our college seal, which has been lately removed from Britton Plaza, contains magical powers akin to those of the tablet in Night at the Museum. Every night, once the clock strikes midnight and the library closes, the various statutes and other items on this campus come alive to revel in the night, always sneaking around and successfully hiding from the students who stay up into the wee hours.
And it is in this environment of darkness and secrecy that, over the decades, a beautiful love story came to life: that of the Mermaid (they/them) and the Red Devil (he/him), known to each other as “Mermy” and “Devvy.”
After completing a lengthy initiation and being sworn to secrecy (oops), I was finally granted an interview with campus’s most iconic couple that you’ve never heard of.
“We’re a private couple,” the Red Devil began by saying. “I understand why not many people know about the two of us. I’m always out and about on campus,” (the seal’s magical provision allows for attendance at sports games and other college events) “but Mermy’s always been a homebody. We complement each other.”
Homebody is a good description. I met the two of them in the Biblio, a favorite spot for all the interviews I conduct, but also not far from the Mermaid’s preferred lair. They sat next to each other in a manner reminiscent of Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo on the Wicked press tour, and I made sure to hold space for the love I could clearly feel between them.
The pair met in 1930, shortly after the Red Devil arrived on campus. “I was so nervous,” he told me. “I’d just been hired for this brand new job and I didn’t want to encroach on Mermy, since they’d already been here for so much longer. But they were just so welcoming, and I felt right at home. There’s no one else for me.”
The couple have been through a lot together over the years. Most recently, the Red Devil got extensive full-body plastic surgery in 2019 that “has definitely improved certain aspects of our relationship.”
The Mermaid spoke up at this point, wanting to come out for the first time and share their gender identity with students in order to increase LGBTQ+ awareness on campus. “Originally I was known by a different name,” they said, “but that didn’t last long. I feel much better about myself and more confident living my life as a genderqueer individual.”
The Mermaid also courageously told me about everything that’s happened to them over the years. “I spent a lot of time in fraternity basements in the fifties and sixties. They would just carry me right off the top of Old West. At first I went along with it. Everyone was having a good time. But then…” they trailed off, but after a few deep breaths recounted the 1967 incident in which they were stolen for several months and almost transported for sale in Paris.
“It was terrifying. I was so glad to be in the arms of my dear Devvy again once it was all over.”
The couple has four children together. Triton, the oldest, takes after Mermy and has now taken over his parent’s former job as the Old West weathervane. “We’re both very proud of him,” said the Red Devil.
Their other three children have been adopted over the past few decades: Bunnicula, whose rabbit parents abandoned her on Morgan Field as an infant; Gnomeo, adopted after being orphaned in the neighborhood behind Dickinson Law and named after the movie character; and Kit, the youngest, who is a catgirl. They also have a pet Labubu that is allowed to run rampant in Denim.