A tragedy occurred this past weekend. Our dearly beloved Timothee Chalamet account, Club Chalamet, is no longer active. This came after a long, arduous campaign to restore the name of Timothee Chalamet which has been crumbling ever since he shaved his head. Once the curls go, you know something is deeply, deeply wrong. 

It arguably began with Timothee’s comments about ballet and opera, citing them as something “no one cares about.” This had Club Chalamet fighting for their life on Twitter, their reputation of being a firewall against criticism for Timothee despite not being a member of his team in any capacity, after this line was dropped. Clearly, this took a serious toll on Club Chalamet, as they were then promptly subdued a few weeks later when the film Marty Supreme lost all eleven of its nominations at The Oscars. 

Let it be known that Club Chalamet was a force not to be trifled with, that is how they will be remembered. Dedicated to Timothee since 2018, their efforts will not be in vain to catalogue Timothee Chalamet’s every move. Lucky for them, he still has not out run public ire and his name is soundly in everyone’s mouths for the remainder of award season. I asked if he would be willing to speak at the Club Chalamet service, but I am pretty sure he blocked me as soon as I uttered the words “Club Chalamet.” 

Club Chalamet will also be honored on the magnanimous date of April 27, 2026. We would hold the service on the date of Timothee’s actual birthday, December 27, 1995, but that would be difficult considering that day has already passed. Club Chalamet will be eulogized with particular emphasis placed on the one-sided beef they had with Kylie Jenner, Timothee’s long time partner. Always in the control room keeping Kylie cropped from any footage where she was within a ten-mile radius of Timothee, we shall miss them dearly. An opera cover of “Mr. Tambourine Man” will proceed the service, and light hors d’oeuvres will be provided.