Our Athletics program is expanding. On April 1, the director of Athletics programming Haku Chopin announced that Dickinson will introduce beer pong as Dickinson’s newest team.
Chopin said, “After creating an E-sports team which won every match against other east-coast schools, I decided to press our luck by pushing forwards into other domains. Since the start of this year, we have created teams for jousting, racketeering and competitive Civil War reenactments. As for our eternal rivals in the Centennial Conference, I declare that we beat them in the saddles, we shot them through the maples, we gave them pain in court and now it comes to tables!
We at the acclaimed Drinkinsonian are grateful to have Chopin continue expanding the school’s acclaim.
The Drinkinsonian spoke to the starting cadre of the team. Captain Morgan Vermouth ’26 is a chemistry major renowned for managing to invent a new method of decontaminating skin on the human body, employing a new aesthetic composed of lubricating oil and rubbing alcohol being inserted into each dorm’s shower system.
Several students in dorms like Davidson-Wilson are calling for the widespread employment of this invention to ‘ease the pain’ of constant repairs to bathrooms.
The team’s other initial member is Rosé Merlot ’27, a history major who researched the story of black market agricultural produce in Latin America and the subsequent export to the USA.
Professor Maria Jane publicly commended Merlot’s participation in the project which won Dickinson some of the funding used in the conversion of the Student Senate office into the new practice room for the beer pong team. Merlot also participated in creating the Civil War reenactment team, and was promoted to the rank of private after serving as target practice for a bit.
Merlot said, ‘Something always appealed to me about the prospect of holding a long piece of wood, scalding my hand, as I stare with admiration at the ability of my teammates to thrust another piece of wood down the first to move some powder into position, even as the rain renders the whole process pointless. Ah well, we still have those pointy bayonets!’
An interview was also secured with coach Smirnoff Sturm, who joined the Athletics program to set up the jousting team. Sturm said, ‘I’ve always got a knack for finding an opening on the field, and charging at it! The funny bit is that I never experience any fear in a contest after doing my prep ritual of remembering my namesakes. Therefore, I created the greatest team of jousters in American College history, which successfully rode its mounts through every state highway patrol this side of the mountains. Morale is the key, and courage of the Dutch variety a crucial additive.’
Sturm then asked the handsome Drinkinsonian reporter if a few glasses would improve the quality of the interview, and that reporter’s notes seem to have ended at that mark.
Further expansion of the beer pong team is already in progress. All interested applicants are being asked to indicate their pre-existing talent for launching bouncing objects at distant targets by employing moonballs against the windows of Althouse Hall, and uploading the footage on TikTok.
