Our glorious Britton Plaza is getting a makeover, the purpose of which has been revealed in a press conference held by Deputy Supreme Leader Cramer. The United States Space Force is creating a launching pad for rockets using campus property.
According to the Deputy Leader, the idea for this brilliant partnership came from War Secretary Captain Morgan, who had a dream in which a ghost descended from the sky asking for a ride to meet up with their relative held hostage on the moon.
As a result, billions of dollars have been redirected from empty building formerly called the Education Department to fulfil this honorable objective. An office of the Student Senate has been requisitioned to serve as a command center, outfitted with a makeup studio and communications facilities for podcasters.
The Star Wars 2: Golden Dome initiative is also likely to get involved with the launch pad, according to the handsome Trickinsonian reporter who was excited to be added to the classified communications platform of Reddit.
Our Lunar study abroad program will benefit from the additional lift capacity provided by the Britton Plaza Pad.
A physics major was asked why they would enter the first rocket, and the response was that “Don’t think of the danger, or the stranger thing is gone.”
Incidentally, this student also stated that they will take some floormates to succeed from the Davidson-Wilson dorm to establish an independent hippie colony on the moon separate from the study abroad program.
Another opinion on the rocket came from a quantitative economics major who stated that the desire to bring sustainable mold farming practices to the study abroad program was a moral motivator, while there was the separable instrumental motivation of becoming an RA at the hippie colony. This student summarized their thinking on this issue as “One life for yourself, and one for your dreams” which also explains where this idea came from. These are just two of the students whose ambition is to the moon.
The ghost from Weiss then caught up with the handsome Trickinsonian reporter with his take. According to this source, his relatives were taken to the lunar colony because they were laid off from positions at the state department, since all diplomatic communications will now be managed from the Kremlin basement.
Various offices of the college will soon be establishing branches at the Lunar Study abroad program. Several departments in the humanities will use a rocket to host a lecture and public discussion series about the desirability of wearing oxygen masks when in the vacuum of space.
So far, the consensus is that occupants of the rockets should manifest their destiny by spreading the purity of American essence to the entirety of the solar system. Another campus branching project is that of the dining hall, which will be setting up a new component on the moon, called the sandworm café, serving a range of desserts and drinks provided by the aforementioned mold farming. When reached for comment, the handsome Trickinsonian reporter only received some of the samples from both branching initiatives rather than verbal details.
A plethora of student initiatives will be undertaken by a follow-up launch package scheduled in a week. One of these is the CosmoFish, a biology collective seeking to observe the impact of zero-gravity on marine organisms, and they announced their existence in a Reddit thread by simply stating that “My piranha fish get very hungry” which led to their priority inclusion for the launch.
Another group is the Lunar shadows, an archaeological expedition, dedicated to finding the origin of the ancient astronauts who constructed the Old West Building on the academic quad. Applications for both these groups can be found on the undersides of tables in the Rector Complex.
Deputy Supreme Leader Cramer’s announcement greatly expands student research and the benefits of studying abroad. Hopefully the cuts to unnecessary federal workers like inspectors will have only positive repercussions. War Secretary Captain Morgan has a powerful recruiting slogan “Make one dream come true, you only live twice…” with the rest of the sentence interrupted by the sandworm café coming to life.
