On April 1, Dickinson’s Presidential Search Committee announced that Butter Maher has been chosen as the 31st president of the College. The decision came just three weeks after former President John E Jones LXIX ’67 P’21 announced his resignation via an email sent to the entire student body, faculty, alumni, and parents: “I really just do not care that much anymore, besties.”
Butter is a figure who is much better known to students on campus than Jones ever was, who spent most of his time hiding in Old West and hissing at administrators who tried to coax him out onto the academic quad. Butter can regularly be seen out and about, charming students with her good looks and personable demeanor. “My approval rating is through the roof,” said Butter on the campaign trail. “Mostly because I’m cute as hell and I let everyone scratch behind my ears.”
“Henceforth, under my presidency, Dickinson shall be known as House Butter,” was the incoming president’s first directive. Students will welcome the change.
Butter’s favorite activity is to wander into open rooms in East College while classes are in progress, derailing each professor’s curriculum. In her opinion, it is a necessary sacrifice: as president of the college, students’ mental wellbeing will continue to be her utmost priority, and she is determined to bring joy to all. She has already announced, “We’re installing more fire hydrants. Nothing relieves stress like a good long pee on your problems.”
Her salary will reportedly be paid in dog treats.
However, her new role will not take away from the responsibilities she has to her dad, Professor of Philosophy Chauncey Maher. According to Butter, one of her first directives will be to require that all students take a course with him at some point during their four years at Dickinson.
The Board of Trustees anticipate that Butter will be a much more successful representative of the College than any president has before her. The Drinkinsonian spoke to trustee Stevie Smith ’92, who is the CEO of L.L. Bean and who personally drives the Bootmobile to campus every year. “Don’t worry, I’m already working on a merch collab,” he said, his eyes overcome by two large cartoon dollar signs.
All proceeds from Dickinson Butter merch should go directly to Speranza animal shelter.
Butter is also expected to help generate a vast amount of revenue via donations. Alums are much more likely to give back to the College if a golden retriever sets out to persuade them than if some random old white guy tries to.
Outgoing President Jones announced his plan to spend his retirement getting into fights with creationists on Reddit. “I literally ruled that creationism is stupid two decades ago,” he said. “Some people just cannot get with the freaking program. Ugh!”
Jones also said, “I think this will be an infinitely better use of my time than trying to run this stupid college.” However, he did say that he’s going to miss “going out to the Britton Plaza every night at 3 a.m. in order to destroy the work that the construction workers did the previous day so that the project never gets completed ever. If you think about it, I’m kind of like Penelope in The Odyssey. Like, Anne Hathaway all the way. You know, my son, who was the Editor-in-Chief of The Dickinsonian when he was a student here, kind of looks like Tom Holland.”
The way in which Britton Plaza represents a funeral shroud in Jones’s metaphor remains unclear.
