Every Dickinsonian knows about the extent of the mold problems that plague this campus. And though the problem may appear, at first, to simply be the result of an out-of-touch administration prioritizing things that, while outdated, aren’t actually that important to students (cough, HUB renovations, cough). rather than our literal health and safety in the ROOMS WE LIVE AND SLEEP AND ALSO STUDY IN, like Jeez. What may be less known to students is the far more sinister motive behind this pestilence’s spread.

The truth of the matter is that our college’s president, John E. Jones, has succumbed to the evil and corrupting influence of the One Ring to Rule Them All. Though he believes that the One Ring will give him the power to ensure that Dickinson soars to victory in every football match the team plays, he has been totally overcome by the Ring’s wickedness, leading to the total and absolute destruction of our campus. Evil destroys all, spreading misery in its wake. One does not simply disregard the fact that in every class larger than twelve people, there is no end to the hacking and coughing of students who suffer from unforseen mold poisoning, for which they can get no adequate help from either housing or the wellness center. It causes students’ brains to turn hazy, and makes them unable to function. The evil has even spread to our most sacred hall of learning, the library. YOU SHALL NOT PASS YOUR EXAMS!

The Drinkinsonian is offering a $80,000 reward (enough to cover the cost of tuition next year!) to any selfless, good-hearted student who is willing to pull a Frodo Baggins and carry the One Ring to the terrifying fires of Moldor (Allison Community Room at 1am) and destroy it once and for all. Unfortunately, The Drinkinsonian is unable to provide a gardener with big, strong arms to accompany you on your quest. You will have to find on your own a friend or roommate who is willing to comfort you with their arms and body as you struggle to resist temptation.

One of you must do this! The eye of John E. Jones sees all, but one of you must save our campus and save our president. His future is plain to see: our very own Red Devil mascot has suffered from the One Ring’s influence for years, becoming an utter, wretched creature who often cackles “my preciousssss” in a high-pitched tone to himself as the baffled sports teams look on.

There may be a time when Dickinson comes under the total control of evil, but it is not this day! So let us be done with this, get rid of the mold once and for all, and head to the Caf for second breakfast with plenty of potatoes–boiled, mashed, and stuck in a stew.